Doing some self reflection today and wondering WHAT I really want and WHY. Some of my friends envy my life ( I wonder why? because I dont). Not having to answer to anyone, making my own decisions, and basically running my family the way I feel is appropriate. While this may sound GREAT to many.....it's also a lonely life at times. I have wonderful, supportive friends and family and I'm constantly busy with teaching, Austin's baseball, now coaching Collin's team..... but there is still that void. The sad part is.... I'm getting use to that void and wonder if I will ever want to rearrange my life to let another in.
Many know that I am stubborn and competitive. But I'm also fun, energetic, and loyal. For my boys sake I hope that we will have a family of four again.... I know they need a male figure to look up to. I on the other hand, may just be happy to be alone!
If life was perfect (which of course it isn't) I'd have my husband back and the family we planned. Although I'm past the "angry" stage and I've accepted what life has thrown at me... I still get pissed whenever I watch those medical shows and I see patients in very similar conditions that my husband was in and they of course miraculously pull thru!! That's horrible to say..... I should be happy for these families but instead I'm upset that this same miracle didn't happen to my family. Why did my boys get delt a bad hand??? Will I be able to raise them up correctly and have their father look down with pride???
People call me strong.... but little do they know that I'm terrified that I will screw up my boys lives and I'm not as confident as many believe. It's almost like an "act" sometimes. Some people think I just need the right man in my life and I'm just wondering if I want a man at all.
I'm even wondering why I'm blogging about this. It's quite personal!! However, only close friends and family read this and respond. They probably already know half this stuff anyways. Just one of those sentimental days I guess.
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3 comments:
People say you are strong because you ARE. Being scared about making the right choices for your children is normal. Being afraid of doing the right thing is normal. That has nothing to do with the inner strength that you have when it comes to raising and protecting your children. You will always wonder if you are doing the right thing for them and if Jody would be proud of you. That is what makes you a GOOD parent.
As far as letting someone else in...that may not be your decision to make. It may just happen. You never know what life is going to throw at you. It's all in how you handle it. You've made mistakes...haven't we all? That is LIFE. There is a reason why you were dealt this blow. There is a reason why the people you see on medical shows were given a second chance. You just have to believe.
Take a good hard look at those around you. Why do you have so much love and support from family and friends? It's because of who YOU are. Should'nt that say something of your character?
You've got my love and support. Besides you amuse me. And I will never let you pick out my haircolor again:)
RED
Well Red, thanks for giving me reassurance in an area where I always second guess myself (hence...mother of the year). You're right: I don't know nor never will know why I was delt such a blow. However, I can handle it and be at peace BUT I want the BEST for my boys. I know they would thrive with a positive male figure. Or do I have what it takes to give my boys what they need regardless if there is a male figure??? This is my question! Yes, I am strong. Hopefully, I will be just strong enough.
Oh, and by the way.... your hair has blended in just beautifully now. The first night....just a little to bright. But now it's gorgeous. I'm just waiting for "thank you". HA!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!
:)RED
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